A Modesty Proposal

Okay, I wrote this a long time ago and most of you have already read it. But hey, I love it and I think it should be on my Blog!

A Modesty Proposal
January 2006

I want to applaud Representatives Susan Lynn and Glen Casada for their commitment to breastfeeding. Babies, after all, should be able to eat when they’re hungry since they are still growing. I am particularly impressed by Rep. Lynn’s comments about discretion (Tennesean article 1/12/06). We need to uphold traditional values, and babies should be discreet when they eat. Who wants to see a baby eat, don’t we all know it’s disgusting? Even newborn babies should learn to conform to standards of decency. And if they won’t cover up, then they just shouldn’t eat. If a mother has a baby who refuses to wear a covering (as mine does) she really shouldn’t go out of the house around meal times. I understand that in some cultures, especially in parts of Pakistan and Afghanistan, there is a practice of confining women to the house. Really, this is the only practical solution for a breastfeeding mother since breastfed babies need to eat every 2 hours or so.

We probably need some legislation to allow bottle-fed babies to eat on state property as well. They probably also get hungry from time to time, but let us not forget to compel these babies to cover up too. It’s practically pornographic the way they suck happily on those nipples for the whole world to see. At least the breastfed baby has the courtesy to face away from the rest of us while he eats.

Upon further thought, it seems to me we should have some legislation allowing the rest of us to eat in public as well. I sometimes get hungry when I’m in public, and I would also like the right to eat on state property when and where I’m hungry. But, please, don’t get me wrong. Just as I think those babies should cover up, I think the rest of us should too.

It’s just unthinkable that anyone would do something as indecent as eat in public. I mean the act of passing a hotdog through your lips is practically sexual. Really this should be a private thing, not something on display for all to see. What kind of person would do such a thing out in the open? Certainly when we appeal for the right to eat in public we should make it clear that we should do so discreetly, and cover ourselves fully.

Or perhaps we should have a special eating room that is small and private so no one can see what we’re doing. A small, dark closet with a hard bench or chair would do fine, much like the “nursing rooms” provided for mothers and babies. No one really needs much space to eat, after all. Actually, I think it would be fine to just eat in a bathroom. I’ve been directed many times to take my baby there when she’s hungry. And really, it is quite pleasant to sit in the bathroom and eat; my daughter never complained. When you think about it, this idea fits perfectly into our modern world. We are all about efficiency. What could be more efficient than eating in the bathroom? You have to visit the bathroom to discard of the digested food you’ve eaten, so why not save a trip and just do both there? We can eliminate restaurants altogether in favor of restrooms. We could have one happy dining and defecating experience without even having to move. Yes, I think the restroom is a great answer to our dining in public dilemma.

While we’re busy legislating, can we PLEASE do something about these girls who walk around wearing lingerie-like tops that reveal more breast than a nursing baby? Or those men who walk around without shirts at all showing off nipple galore? Shouldn’t bikinis be illegal? How can we tolerate such exposure of the human body in public? Even the breastfeeding baby is more decent than these folks since the baby’s head completely covers a mother’s breast. Perhaps we should take a lesson from the Taliban; they required head to toe covering of women, maybe we should have such a law and extend it not just to women, but to men as well. Please, let’s build some more decency standards into our laws so we can all eat more comfortably, privately and so no one is unnecessarily offended by our being human.

Please note that since the writing of this, Tennessee did in fact pass a law allowing women to breastfeed in public on state property any infant 12 months or younger. So if your 13 month old is hungry, best find a bathroom :/