Technical error

If you've alread subscribed to my blog, you may be wondering why you've just been invited to view it, so I thought I would explain.

See, I thought it was a great idea to put my blog address into my e-mail signature. That way all my friends and loved ones could keep up to date on my writing and what was going on in this Koala's tree. And that was a great idea until I stepped up my latest job searching efforts. At first, I was very careful and would delete the site link out of e-mails I sent. But then, when I was really excited about getting a response from a local school I'd sent my information to, I worried so long and hard about what I was typing for a response, that I forgot to delete the link.

This is where the Koala mind goes into overdrive. Instantly I began thinking "If I were a headmaster looking to fill this position, I would try to learn as much as I could about each candidate. I would probably click any links in their e-mail signature, and ponder what any quotes might mean." And then the Koala brain thought "Oh heavens, this blog is WAY too personal to share with someone who I would hope might hire me. I wouldn't even share it with anyone I work with. This blog is for people I know and trust only!!!" So in a flury of rash thoughts and decisions, I cut off public access to the blog and made it available by invitation only.

Hence the invitation you just received. At some point I may open it back up again but only at such time when 1) the seriously personal stuff I wouldn't want said headmaster to read is well archived and there are other fluffy, happy, light things occupying the front page; 2) Said job is no longer of interest to me or I am no longer of interest to them; or 3) when I stop freaking out about this little detail that probably wouldn't make much difference one way or another.

I'm not sure which will happen first, but we'll see, and maybe I'll write about it when it does...

10 signs you're spending too much time online

1) You talk about seeing something "on the message board" and you don't mean the dry erase board in your kitchen

2) You know more about your sister-in-law's shopping habits from her blog than from family gatherings

3) You have friends with names like Nova22, Vamp127 or ExuberantDaffodil

4) Your child starts fussing when you approach the computer

5) You find yourself accidentally typing "DH" when writing about your dear husband in an e-mail to your cousin

6) You start praying that your baby will fall asleep quickly so you can check the boards (as in item #1)

7) You talk about seeing MIL and FIL IRL more than you see these people IRL

8) You know what I said in #7

9) Google and Wikipedia are your favorite sources when you need information

10) More people know you as "Koala" than by your given name

The Magnolia Flower

On my way back to the office after lunch today, I passed a young magnolia tree with several beautiful flowers blooming on its branches. One flower in particular caught my eye as I drew nearer. It was just about perfect, in that stage of blossoming where it is fully open, a milky white with an almost gold-beige dusted over the outside of the inner petals still curling slightly toward the center. Eyes transfixed, I pondered what this flower could mean as I passed. “Is it a sign?” I wondered.

I am looking for a sign, some sort of guidance, or direction from God. Everything seems so uncertain around me. From day to day I don’t know if I am headed on the right path, and I long for clarity, for some sure hint that I am where I am supposed to be, and if I’m not, some guidance to steer me toward my place.

One day a few months ago a remarkable man, a priest I know, surrounded my husband and me in prayer along with his wife and another couple. Something happened in that moment. As I held my husband’s hand, there was a presence, a charge, a fullness, a feeling I can’t completely explain. And when the prayer ended, it was gone too. It was then that this wise man, who has been comforted by God through many trials himself, told me that he saw a beautiful, perfect magnolia flower as he prayed for us.

Since that day, every time I see, think or hear of magnolias, I stop and wonder if this could be the answer. Each and every one I encounter could be a hint from God, or proof of His presence in my life. And as I pass this one small tree, I can’t help but wonder if this is God’s way of telling me that I am on course, that I belong where I am and I should stay despite my struggle to feel at peace with the many changes around me.

Most days I return home from work exhausted, weighed down by the tension of the dramas that unfold around me slowly at work. It is all I can do to keep from telling them I won’t be back the next day. At home, my husband and children greet me with smiles and hugs, and I know they also wish I could stay with them each day instead of leaving. And there is an ache deep inside me as I realize I am giving up so much love and joy to be in a place that, for me, is riddled with mistrust and political posturing. Could it be that God is telling me to hang in and persevere in this time of trial? Is it His way of telling me that He is there in the midst of it all? ? I wish that the vision had been mine. I wish that I had seen the flower so that I would know when I encountered it.

How can one flower hold so much power, such promise, such potential. I had to wonder as it passed out of my field of vision if it was that sign from God, or if in this case it was just another pretty flower.

The Tango of Life

I was reflecting today how life is rather like the Tango. So I’m a bit biased, since the Tango is my favorite dance. It’s dramatic, beautiful, graceful, elegant, sexy, and so when done right, the dancers are HOT-- and by HOT I mean, suave, sexy, desirable, not temperature, although done properly the Tango might in fact raise the ambient temperature a degree or two. But beyond the beauty of it all is the motion that reflects the dance of life. You go forward, and back, there’s a promenade to the side every now and again, and (when really done well) a few, graceful, long dips that make everyone turn and look at how long and elegant the body is when dipped.

Take my life for example. I think about the course I was on for quite some time marching forward in time to the beat of the years. I walk steadily along a path as I left college and embarked on a career. The forward path was obvious. But then, enter my partner and suddenly there are dips, stops and promenades out to the side.

My husband is the kind of person who makes an excellent Tanguero. He tires easily of the basic caminar. It is too simple, too plain to merely walk forward. He wants to spin, to stop, step back into a caida, or bend his partner low into a slow, sultry dip. Variety is the spice of the Tango for him. Try to anticipate a move and you will be surprised. He has always been this way as far as I can tell. It was never enough to succeed academically, he had to swim and fence and play the cello as well. It wasn’t enough for him to speak one foreign language; he had to learn 4. And yet, even as he moves around the great ballroom of life, constantly changing his motion, seeking new and exciting ways to turn about the floor, he, like the most serious dancer, keeps his gaze solidly fixed on a single point, only glancing aside for a second here and there so that can keep his place. The focal point of his dance is God, who shows him where to go.

As most Tangueras, I have no choice but to follow my partner where he leads in the dance. It’s not that I’m not able or willing to lead. No, surely I am both willing and able; my early life shows clearly both a capability and skill at advancing. It’s that life is just more interesting if I surrender to the lead of him who loves me. I am the kind of person who plods forward in the most basic way. In life and in dance, I become entranced by the rhythm 1,2,3,4,5,6,7…8 and focus on that with great precision. The forward path in front of me seems best, and safest, it takes tremendous effort for me to consider any deviation. And there is nothing wrong with all of that. But with a sure partner, securely embracing me, the enjoyment of the dance is in the adorno. To me, nothing is more wonderful than a graceful sweeping dip that can only be accomplished on the arm of a strong, steady man. And I do have a most important job: that is to make it all look graceful and sexy, as if I’d known all along where we were headed.

I think of all the places I have been, all the experiences I have had, all the changes I’ve experienced because I dance in the arms of one who is creatively seeking an interesting alternative to the straight-ahead. Alone, all of these would have been terribly frightening. But with a partner steadily at my side, gazing ahead at God, it becomes a beautiful, captivating combination of experiences that have made me stronger and more graceful as I move in step with him.

Where he will lead next, I have no idea. Frankly, I find nothing more exciting than closing my eyes and trusting in the strength of my partner’s lead. It is always a thrill when, after a flurry of motion, I open them again and find myself transported to a new place. It’s not safe, it’s not easy, but it is so much more amazing than walking forward by myself.

Walking for the Mind of America

We decided to channel my angst about the whole mental health/Virginia Tech debate into something more productive. We participated in the Walk for the Mind of America with NAMI. On Saturday we walked 5 times around beautiful Lake Lilly (or 5K for you measurment fans). It was a beautiful day and we had time to reflect on the way our culture is currently criminalizing mental illness. Okay, maybe not the most interesting topic for some, but we really worked through some things.

Here's a picture